Something Old and Something New

The wine tastes good; cool, sparkling, and sweet. It
compliments the music playing softly in the
background; a melancholy feeling washing over me as I
gaze across the tree-lined hills surrounding my little
cabin out in the middle of nowhere….

Across the way, small birds play in the water of the
pond; they jump from reed to reed singing their songs
of love; happiness in their shrill voices…

My bare feet resting on a stump that I dragged out of
the woods last year, my shirt opened to the last
button; resting in my favorite rocking chair on my
porch as I sway gently back and forth…

The air smalls of spring, of new beginnings. It is a
time when all the coldness blanketing the earth peeks
out for that first look to see if everything is
alright. It is a time when nature blossoms with love
as the flowers magically appear on the distant grassy
hills, and the creatures of the forest renew love lost
from the last season-and I know that feeling all to
well…

I arrived here yesterday evening. Haven’t seen this
place for a few months,only in the back of my mind,
for those times that I need to escape the realities of
the world. It is this place my mind takes me to; and I
emerge renewed…

Now I am sitting on the front porch of my cabin. It
took me two years during the summer months to built it
from the ground up. Everything comes from Mother
Earth; except a few things that I couldn’t build, or
can’t live without…

The air is still nippy and the wind makes the top of
the trees sway back and forth soothing me with that
swishing sound it makes..One of my favorite sounds in
the world. I look around at my little piece of heaven,
caught up in the unreal beauty of this area; and
realize that this is the place that I want to be
buried in, to contribute my body to this heaven on
earth as my soul wanders the distant hills…

Over on my right, across the little grassy field; my
horse “Moussie” nibbles at the new grass, occasionally
looking up to see if I am paying attention to her. I
try not to look; but she is a beauty in her own right.
I bought her from a family across the state. When I
first saw her she was a mess. The people were having a
hard time taking care of themselves; so that left no
time, attention, or food for my little beast. She was
filthy, and I paid three times what she was worth;
everything that I had saved in my bank account. But
she will never be hungry again, or alone, or left out
in the cold of winter…..

The music has stopped; once again the quietness of the
Wyoming forest returns to me; and sometimes it gets
really quiet here; but mostly it gets quiet in my mind
as I sort through and live with the emotions raging
within me…..

You see friend; yesterday I lost something that I feel
like I’ve had all my life. I lost something that was
very important to me; a something that I had been
carrying around for so long; that I forgot where I put
it once it was gone; and I realize how important that
something was. Now I’m trying to figure out exactly
where I lost something so I can go back and find it
again…..

This something wasn’t something you can hold, or
something you can eat, or even something you can
touch. Well maybe in a way you could touch it; but
that requires a special touch, more of a feeling than
a human touch; like with my fingers; but I feel like I
could just about put my fingers on it, but not
really..It Was Something…

The damned thing is that something changed in me when
I lost that something in the first place, and that is
something because I forgot how important that
something was to me in the first place.The thing is
that I know something is missing, and I know something
isn’t right, and I feel like I should be doing
something about it; but something just isn’t clicking
here…..

So for most of the morning I have been sitting here on
my front porch thinking about something, hoping that
something will happen, but something just escapes
me…..

My horse is till nibbling and trying to keep her eye
on me; guess she knows something is wrong. The birds
are still happily singing their love songs; but once
in a while they stop, and I have to look over there to
see if something is up; maybe they know something that
I don’t…..

I get up, stretch, and walk into my cabin. My feet
making those barefoot-on-wood sounds as I pad into the
main room. A slight whiff of wood smoke catches my
attention; and I remember the coffee pot that’s been
boiling on the wood stove all morning. Now that’s
gotta be something…..

Passing by the fireplace and into the bedroom I see
something…Something catches my attention…A picture
sitting on the nightstand beside my oh-so-comfortable
bed. I pick up the little gold frame and see something
that makes my heart skip a beat or something…..

It’s her; the girl back East that made my heart go
pitter-patter or something; and as I sit on the edge
of the bed holding her picture and fall back onto the
pillows, her picture held close to my heart; I
remember what is was that I lost:

I lost something with her; something that had a
beginning but never a chance. I lost the opportunity
to tell her something, and show her how important
something inside of me is, and that maybe I could say
something to her that would make her think about
something that both of were feeling, or something and
I know she felt something too, because I felt it
coming from her; and that’s something because we never
even held each other in the rain, or even kissed each
other, or something…..

But mostly I just wanted to show her that something
was possible even when you think you have nothing.
That two people loving each other without question is
something in itself, and that is something many, many
people try to find and never will, because they try to
find something with their eyes instead of their
hearts…..

So I lay here on this bed getting lost in that
picture; knowing damned well that I better be doing
something about this before its to late or
something…and lost forever…..

The horse is still outside nibbling; the birds are
still singing; the wind still whispers through the
trees, but it sounds different or something. I stare
up at the wood ceiling sending out my silent signals
across the forest,flowing through the snow-capped
mountains and over the western prairies sun-baked earth
to arrive thousands of miles away at Nanette’s place;
hoping she hears me, hoping she understands why, and
hoping she lets me know her feelings, or
something…..

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